For years, you never could have told me this was going to be possible.
When I started to regain the use of my legs, I was elated I could simply hold my baby while standing. The doctors weren’t really sure what was going to happen. “We think you’ll get better. See us in 6 weeks if you’re not” was the final direction I received while I was in the hospital. Unfortunately, I got to surprise the staff when 6 weeks later I was back and still didn’t have use of my legs. But eventually, I did stand up and hold my baby.
When I had my second baby two and a half years later, I literally took pictures standing and holding her, just to prove I could.
But every little motion or ability I regained that I wasn’t sure if I ever would – walking, being able go up and down the stairs, getting up and down off the floor, jogging, doing a squat, being a silly monster chasing my toddlers, riding a bike – left me with an insatiable desire to regain more and more and more of my pre-injury abilities. So despite being years out with nerve damage and with much of medicine telling me “you’re as healed as you’re going to get,” I decided to never stop trying.
When the idea of teaching the kids to ski was brought up a couple years ago, I figured the most I’d be able to do is sit at the bottom of the run and cheer them on. I was disappointed I wasn’t going to be there to pick them up from their falls or see the glee on their faces as they make it down a run. But I’d be the best damn cheerleader they’d ever seen. I told myself that I’d brush away my tears as their little bodies came into view on the mountain and I’d swing them around, skis and all, saying, “I knew you could do it!”
We first decided to see if skiing was something they even liked, so we set up a half day lesson, got all the gear, and took off on an adventure. Three hours later, I’m not sure who was more exhausted (the parents or the kids), but we definitely had a 3 year old and a 7 year old who wanted to ski again.
That was April 2022. I was 6.5 years out from my nerve injury. And after the success of learning to stand, walk, jog, bike ride, hike, jump, and exercise again, I had a new goal: to be able to ski again.
I used to be a pretty good skier. Nothing crazy, but I could hold my own. But how in the world was I supposed to ski when I can’t fully feel my knees and certain positions are excruciating? I researched muscles used in skiing (spoiler alert: like all of them) and what strengthening exercises might be of benefit. I then spent the next year training. One thing I’ve learned in my time since my injury is that exercise is not an option. It might not happen every day, but overall strengthening and conditioning is essential to making my legs work the best that they can. With not being able to fully feel my legs, my muscles atrophy quickly and muscle strength is what I have found to be the best counterbalance to the nerve damage. A year later, we went back to the ski slopes and signed up for more lessons, this time including me. I told the instructor that the focus was on getting the kids going, but in their breaks, that I’d love some help too. I gave her a short blurb about the position I’m in and she wonderfully said, ” Let’s figure this out together. I’m with you.”
After two days, I had mastered the bunny slopes and was onto the easy greens (so were the kids!!). Fast forward another year to today: we just finished our 4th ski trip this season. As a family, we all skied my youngest’s and my first blue together. I’m not sure who was more nervous – my 5 year old or me. We have a pump up hand shake we did at the top and then I told her to just repeat in her head, “I can do this. I am strong. I am brave. I won’t give up.” You better believe I repeated that to myself the entire time as well. When we reached the bottom, she was grinning ear to ear and I was tearing up.
For years, you never could have told me this was going to be possible.
It’s not perfect. Sometimes the pain takes my breath away. Sometimes I need to take a break and sit out a run. Sometimes I have to “call it” early when I realize I’m not feeling my legs well enough to make a good turn and it could get dangerous. My kids will far exceed my abilities before long. But as they get older, I’m hopeful they’ll still do some runs with me, if nothing else to cheer me on being brave, being strong, and not giving up, just as I have done for them their whole lives.
If you’re early in your nerve damage from childbirth, a few months out from it, or years out from it, just remember to not give up. There is always room to grow and improve. You may just surprise yourself.
And if all else fails, just remember that I will be there with you whispering: “You can do this. You are strong. You are brave. Don’t give up.”
Nerve Damage from Childbirth 